Zoe's Thoughts
by mngurlstuckinva
Summary: Mostly about Zoe's thoughts as she notices thing going on at the beginning of Gillian and Cal's relationship.


**Zoe's Thoughts**

Author's Note: This is a sort of ipod challenge. These were the first 10 songs that came up on my ipod, but I cheated a little, it was in a playlist. Don't worry I'm still going to finish my other story, Pete, just trying to get over a little writer's block. This is also my first time trying to do a fic without any dialog, (let me tell you that was so hard) so tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't even own the computer I'm currently typing this on, so please don't try to sue me.

Summary: I know most people don't really like Zoe, but I wanted to show her in a different light for once. So this is my interpretation of what Zoe went through. Also all of the songs are by Reba McEntire. Not that those of you who know me are very surprised by this.

...

**Talking in your Sleep**

_Maybe I'm bein' foolish_

_'Cause I haven't heard you mention anybody's name at all_

_How I wish I could be sure it's me that turns you on_

_Each time you close your eyes_

_I've heard it said that dreamers never lie_

I should have known it from the beginning, that very first time it happened, but hindsight is 20/20. The first time it happened it was almost 3 in the morning. I woke up to him talking, I thought he'd woken up and was trying to get me up. I turned over and looked at him but he was still completely out. I sat there and stared at him for a while trying to figure out what he was saying. I could never make out a name, but I knew he was dreaming about someone, someone who wasn't me. I know you really shouldn't be jealous of a dream, but when you're his wife it's very hard not to be. After a while I tried to go back to sleep, but between his talking and my curiosity it was nearly impossible.

It was a few weeks later when I heard it again. I still couldn't quite understand him, but I knew he was dreaming about the same person. It was the tone of his voice, like he was talking to a lover. That's when I really knew something was going on. I could feel the bubble of anger rise quickly inside, but I sat there and watched him. He looked like he was really in love, and trust me when it's your husband you know when they're in love. There was no mistaking that look even if I wasn't the one who studied facial expressions for a living. I didn't know what to do. I had no proof that he was seeing someone else only talk in his sleep and what could you do with that? So again I did nothing, choosing to try and get some more sleep even though I knew it would be impossible.

It wasn't much longer before I finally met her. Oh I could tell right away, he had that same look on his face as he had when he was dreaming about her. I must say, she is pretty. She's much sweeter than I'll ever be. Smart, beautiful, a genuine good person, she was nothing short of perfect. But he's never seemed to go for that. Maybe he's changed, maybe I've changed him. All I knew was that in that instant I'd lost him. It was only downhill from there.

**Somebody Should Leave**

_You say goodnight_

_And turn to face the wall_

_We lie here in the darkness_

_And the tears start to fall_

_If it was only you and me_

_Goodbye might come more easily_

_But what about_

_Those babies down the hall_

That night as we went to bed he kissed me like every other night then turned over and went to sleep. I knew that it was inevitable, there was going to be no sleeping yet again. No sooner had the first tear dropped from my eye then it started all over again. I prayed to God to make it stop, or just kill me. This torture every night was simply unbearable. That's when I heard it, for the first time ever he actually said her name. It was no louder than a whisper, but there it was. I was almost relieved that after months of not knowing he finally admitted it. I know it was nothing more than in his dreams, but for him that was enough evidence for a conviction. I looked down at him; a wide smile was spread across his face. He seemed so happy to be in his little dream world without me. I couldn't stand to be there any longer. I got up from the bed throwing a glance back at him, but unsurprisingly he was still asleep. As I opened the door the light from the hall spilled into the room casting a gentle glow on his face, taunting me more than ever. Closing the door behind me I went down the hall to the room that I'd spent more time in as of late than my own. As I opened the door to her room the light hit her hair casting a glow to it making her look more like the little angel she was. I pulled the blankets back over her that she'd kicked off and placed a kiss to her hair. I sat in the rocking chair at the foot of her bed and just watched her sleep as I rocked myself to sleep.

**I Wish I Could Tell You**

_How do you choose_

_Do you hurt 'em with the truth or with a lie_

_Where do you go to find the courage_

_You know I could never find_

_I don't know how to help you_

_I wish that I could tell you_

_How to tell me goodbye_

The next morning I sat across from him at the breakfast table as if nothing had happened. In all honesty he didn't know that anything had. I felt like I was looking at him for the first time. He seemed so different that morning. He was distracted; even as Emily tried to talk to him he seemed to be somewhere else. It was no mystery to me where he really was. He was with her, his beauty that I could never be. He was no longer a real part of our family; he had already decided what he was going to do. All I could do now was to wait. Wait for him to tell me goodbye. Goodbye to a life that we'd spent years making. A life that I'd always wanted. Waiting was going to be the hardest part, but I couldn't tell him how. He was on his own now.

**Only in my Mind**

_Then with a move of his eyes_

_A move that could have made the wind stand still_

_He took my hand in his and said the words_

_That I never will forget_

He was distant for months before it finally happened, out of the blue one night. I knew for a long time it was coming. He'd already started a business with her, he was with her more than he was with is family now. Emily hadn't gotten home from school yet, so the house was quiet as I heard him come in. I sat at the kitchen counter with a glass of wine in front of me as I watched him walk into the room. That night he came home he looked more tired than usual, looked as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. At that point he probably thought that it was. I knew with one look from him that he was finally ready to tell me. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the inevitable. I opened my eyes at the feeling of him taking my hand. There was something in his eyes that night… a sort of resolution that it was finally time. I'll never forget that look, or the words that came after. It was finally over.

**Cry**

_I might bite my lip_

_Look down at my shoes_

_I might clench my fist_

_Or just just leave the room_

_But I'm not gonna cry_

It was true I'd know for a long time that this was coming, but knowing something is going to happen and it actually happening are two completely different things. I felt as if my world had suddenly been pulled away from me. The man that I loved was telling me that he didn't love me anymore. How could this happen? What did I do wrong? I didn't say a word at that time. There was nothing I could really say. I knew it was coming. My hand slid out from his, clenching into a fist. For a moment I even contemplated hitting him, but what good would it really do? It wasn't going to change anything. He was her's now. But there was one thing I knew for sure, I wasn't going to cry… at least not right in front of him. I wasn't going to do it; I had to stay strong, for Emily… for myself.

**Straight from You**

_They all know her name_

_You didn't spare me any shame_

_I wonder did you even try to hide_

_I think that you owe me_

_Just a little honesty_

_And even though you told me with your eyes_

I knew it was that moment or never. It was time to finally ask the question that had been plaguing my nightmares for months. I looked at him and asked if what I'd been afraid of had been true, if he was in love with her. So many people already knew that the two of them were together. They may not be lovers… not yet anyway, but they were more than friends. I had to know the truth from him. I had seen it in his eyes every time he was with her or even talked about her. But it wasn't enough, I needed to hear the words. He may not have been good with words, but this was one time in his life he wasn't going to get out of it. I wasn't going to back down from this. Finally he relented and told me that they hadn't been together, hadn't even kissed, but he did love her. That's all I needed to know.

**On my Own**

_So many times I know I could have told you_

_That losing him would cut like a knife_

_He walked out and there went your life_

I'm on my own now for the first time since I was a teenager. I can't believe it. I have no one here. Oh Emily is here now and then but it's just not the same. I'm single, the divorce went through. I don't know how to be by myself. I've never had to. My apartment is so quiet at night. I don't know what to do with myself. Most nights I can't sleep I wind up walking the halls. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm crazy, but what else is there to do. I feel like a part of me is missing. I will never be whole again. Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Am I doomed to be in mourning for my marriage that didn't work forever? How do you bounce back from this? When someone takes your whole life away what do you do?

**And Still**

_And still_

_The world stood still_

_I couldn't move_

_And all I could feel_

_Was this aching in my heart_

_Saying I loved him still_

We'd seen each other every week since he'd left. There wasn't really a choice, we did have a daughter together. But saying hello every week when I drop her off and pick her up was so much different that when I saw him at his office. I came to him, it was true. I needed his help, but I'd never expected to feel the way I did when I was working with him. Oh sure I tried to fight it. I wanted so badly to be mad at him, but I couldn't. I wanted him so badly at that moment, unlike I'd wanted anything else in my life, but I restrained myself. Mostly because she was there. She'd warned him against me. I almost laughed when he told me that. Like I was really the one to worry about, she's the one who ripped out of my life. I remained away from him, at least until the case was over.

**Break Each Other's Hearts Again**

_These arms wanna hold you_

_These lips wanna kiss you_

_These eyes are glad to see you_

_Baby I miss you_

_Let's drive each other crazy_

_Like we did back then_

_Why don't we get together_

_And break each other's hearts again_

I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was something more. Before I knew what was going on his arms were around me, holding me, caressing me. His lips were everywhere. I could feel the heat from his kisses burning across my skin, but I'd never felt anything more wonderful. It felt familiar and completely new all at the same time. We both knew we shouldn't be doing it, but it didn't stop us. When we were finished I let my fingers trace over all of his tattoos and scars. There were a few more of both since the last time I'd done that. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be for the first time in a long time. All was right with the world. I could have stayed there in his arms for the rest of my life, but sadly reality came crashing down on us, in the form of our daughter. It wouldn't be the last time he would catch us like this, but we didn't want her to get her hopes up that we were getting back together. Not that I didn't want to, but I knew there was no going back for him. All we could do was this, that would have to be enough.

**He Wants to get Married**

_He believes that a ring on his finger_

_Is something to be proud of_

_For all of the world to witness_

_That he is committed to this love_

I knew this moment had been coming for years. As soon as she got her divorce. But again it came as such a surprise to me that I was absolutely floored. I shouldn't have been though. I had moved on, hadn't I? I was married again. I had a new life. I had a man that love me, and didn't analyze every facial expression. The man I was with was everything that I needed. Sadly he still wasn't who I wanted. Sure I was content to be with him, but he didn't excite me like it had been with him. It was different, but certainly not better. But none of that mattered, because he finally had his chance to be happy. He was going to be married. He was marrying the woman of his dreams… literally. I should have been happy for him, but I couldn't be. I still wanted him.


End file.
